I logged on with full intention of writing a post about how tricky things are, how Christmas feels weird this year and how coping with ill kids when your are poorly yourself is not something I want to repeat anytime soon. Then I paused for a moment and thought, for Christ’s sake — who the hell wants to read another post, moaning about how life sucks at the moment. Not that anyone is reading this blog anyway, but just in case somebody lost their way on the internet and wandered over, it’s not what you want to lighten your day.
I started this blog as a means of venting, yes. But there’s venting/moaning and venting/airing. I need to do more airing and less moaning.
One thing I have learned in spades recently is that I am far more self-centred than I thought I was. I hope I’m not selfish, but I do seem to have turned into someone where life seems to be all about me and my woes. I’m bored of it, so my friends and family must be utterly sick of it. So wrapped up was I in my ‘inner-turmoils’ that I unintentionally hurt one of my best friends by not asking about her hospital tests. I thought she didn’t want to talk about it, but what she really meant was that she needed me to make her talk about it, not keep quiet. She needed me to think a little more about her and what she was feeling and needing, and I didn’t.
It was, however, the kick up the arse I needed to do a bit of introspection and realise that I need to change my habits. I think they are habits formed from self-preservation, but they are excluding those I love and that makes me feel horrible.
Going it alone IS tough. Just managing the arrangements of who is where, when and what they need, whose house that’s at and when the next pick-up is, is enough to drive you to the pinot each night. I think it’s the weird mix of total responsibility of going it alone, yet having to share the responsibility with someone else at the same time.
Take Christmas. I used to organise EVERYTHING. The lot. And moaned about it. Now, I find myself with a scant three weeks to go and no food booked/organised, not sure who has bought what for who, arrangements, who is visiting whose family and when and then there’s the decorations…each one lovingly bought and loved by me over the years and the vast majority now not in my house. When I did fight for some of them, I got short shrift and made to feel guilty for asking. These are decorations I have collected for over 15 years, some of them before I even met my husband and some that belonged to my grandmother. Yet, I seem to have to fight for them. It’s a sore point, as you can tell.
Anyway, back to the organisation. So, because I used to do everything, I knew exactly what was what and had control of the situation. Now, it feels like I have no idea what’s happening; my husband can’t seem to make a decision and yet, I am no longer in a position to do it for him and just tell him (fair enough, but unproductive, all the same). So, God knows what will happen this year; I will just have to wing it.
I’m getting good at that.