I’m having a wobble.
Everything has suddenly become very overwhelming. Not just the practical matters, but the emotional ones too and that’s when I start to crack.
At the core of everything, I can’t shake the guilt of being the one who broke up the marriage. And because of that I also feel wholly responsible for the outcome of everything. I know I called quits because I was so unhappy, and I can rationalise that this unhappiness was not all my fault, in fact I had tried and tried to make things work whereas I don’t feel my husband did at all. However, it’s strange how all that feels so long ago and views get muddied, feelings get forgotten and the here and now takes over.
I know this will pass. I know I am feeling this way because I have so much to do at work, Christmas is looming and my eldest daughter is having to unexpectedly change schools. For positive reasons, but she can’t see that. Of course she can’t, she’s twelve, and so I am trying to reassure her it will be ok, while wondering myself and, again, feeling responsible as it was me who applied for the new school, because I have moved into its catchment area and know that long-term, it is the best place for her.
It’s just a lot to deal with and even though I’m confident and strong on the outside, I don’t feel it within. Not at the moment. I feel panicky. I feel scared.
I feel weak.